I haven’t needed saving in many years. In fact, I might not need it now either. But still, I feel like I need to be saved.

All this is about two important realizations in my past. While I majored in journalism & mass communications, my concentration ultimately dealt with communication theory, the media, and post-modernist critique. The head of my department is an amazing woman. She’s a self-promoting troll of a woman in the most endearing way. Charmingly trapped in a world that is part of the 80s as represented by the Cure and the Smiths, and partly represented by the 90s grunge movement.

Anyway, while discussing gender and sexual stereotypes she shared a personal story where she realized after a bad break-up that she didn’t need saving either. She wasn’t Rapunzel trapped in a tower waiting for Prince Charming to take her away on a white horse. So what was she waiting for? What was she expecting? She was a fully capable, intelligent person who needed to deal with her circumstances, and any help she needed could come from those close to her.

Hearing her story was a pivotal moment for me then, not because I awakened to my own situation or decided to become empowered. Instead, I realized that I had already awakened a while back, that I had already even if subconsciously, moved beyond towers, princes, and maidens in distress. I was proud and felt quite confident. I was confident not because I was told to believe in myself, but because I had unknowingly perhaps already proven myself capable as my own savior.

The other realization had come before this; it was even more passive perhaps. I had at that time come to a crossroads between the Rapunzel story and a more genuine but difficult one. When the moment to choose between those two paths came before me, it wasn’t even a matter of choice. It was obvious to me that I wanted to be my own hero, to be strong for myself. I rather live a life where I comprised on my own terms.

So what now?

Where did that all go?

I’ve comprised on my own terms and I’m just as afraid of dealing with the future head on as I once did.

What’s my lesson in all that? I don’t like to settle, that’s what. I don’t know what I’m doing here, or anywhere.

Maybe I don’t need saving, instead some guidance, roadmap, clarity, or useful advice will do.

I suppose that when the momentum's subsided or when one is able to calmly ride the wave, retrospection is what the muse offers.

I'm worth something! At least that what my 2l grades tell me this semester. We'll just ignore that sore black eye on my report card that is known as family dissolution, and even that wasn't so bad.

Labels: 2l, graduate school, Law School, legal practice, trademark

Time to reset, reclaim life.  

I feel like I've been writing backwards.

I can't write, I cant think, I cant cant cant do anything. Repetitive, exhausted, decompressed into mediocrity. I’m a lazy cunt who hates herself, but never enough. I don’t hate myself enough to try, to be passionate.


I have regrets. I regret my present.


Fucking pride doesn’t whisper the truth in your ear. It doesn’t tell you when you cant have it anymore, when you don’t have it anymore.


I want people to talk shit about me. I don’t have the talent or any skill. The people I hold as inspirations are too good of an ideal for me.


I'm no good at hating external things anymore...all I really have is dismay.

Dried up Sun spits out a few flares, just barely started up and it's already gone cold.

Too aristocratic to be hard working, hard working enough to feel guilty about being aristrocratic.

I want to leave it all behind for something. I want to become morally and financially bankrupt for realizing my dreams. I want to hit rock bottom after losing it. I want to have an arc. I want quiet, but a storm first. But there's nothing to pursue.

I had always heard that the best way to influence national politics is to get involved in local politics.

I saw this tonight!

1- 15 Step
2- Reckoner
3- Optimistic
4- There, There
5- All I Need
6- Pyramid Song
7- Talk Show Host
8- National Anthem
9- The Gloaming
10- Videotape
11- Lucky (starts raining)
12- Faust Arp (Thom fucks it up, giggles)
13- Jigsaw Falling Into Place
14- Climbing Up the Walls
15- Dollars and Cents
16- Nude
17- Bodysnatchers

ENCORE
18- How To Disappear Completely
19- Arpeggi/Weird Fishes
20- Idioteque (Nigel Godrich comes out on stage afterwards)
21- In Limbo
22- Street Spirit (fade out)

ENCORE 2
23- You and Whose Army (WTO reference)
24- No Surprises
25- Everything in Its Right Place

I've found out a few things about myself. While I'm interested in legal theory and the idea of law school...I really hate it. Nevertheless, I think that the degree will be quite useful to me at some point in life. Right now I want to be selfish, I want to dispense with my constant companionship of pragmatism. I'm not good enough to be in a relationship with you right now, Lawyering. Maybe when I'm a little older and more experienced we can try to be more than just friends.

I now am finding out what I really wanted a few years back. What I hated about journalism was the reporting. I don't care about inverted triangles, and prematurely ejaculating the who, what, where, and when. On air, I didn't want to report or argue news...I wanted to learn about things or just shut up and play music. It's why my concentration and interest was always in media studies, post-modernism, mass media/consumption, and opinions. It's probably why I adored Montaigne way back in high school. I like essaying. Its why I had a college newspaper all to myself for me and mine to discuss what interested us and why.

Why didn't I follow what I enjoyed? Why am in law school, and not in some masters program and writing op-ed pieces on the side? It was performance anxiety and a well-meaning practical outlook.

I really do enjoy what I'm learning right now, I get excited explaining legal concepts and talking about interesting cases. However, it's not a passion for me at the moment. I'm not as motivated or committed as I ought to be. While IP issues in regards to trade and net freedom, copyright and the music industry, or the idea of working for a small record label reverses all that, I'm not confident that I'll have a real shot with that. I'm inhibited.

The idea of rat-race competition paralyzes me...I don't want to be the "best" so I can get to the "top" and get the "job of my dreams," because I don't know what any of that means. Comparisons, winners and losers, none of this has ever seemed healthy to me. This isn't the road to happiness. Maybe I am too childish, after all why can't we be judged on having "adequate" merits. Isn't my passion for these areas of the law and the fact that I'm a capable and intelligent person be enough? Why do I have to be #1, have an OCI summer position, network up to my ears, etc., I think lawyers need a pay cut, maybe it would take the pressure off everyone in the field to expend themselves to such a degree.

Ideas I'm left with: I'm not sure what I'll be doing in the future. I don't want to practice. I rather write, research, learn, and come up with ideas for things that interest me. I enjoy op-eds for media and politics. The realm of trade/IP are my best incentives in school...

People fascinate me. I’d be a nosy god…maybe too hands on, because despite being able to observe and understand them, I want people to know me too.

I've gone back to keeping a private diary of sorts. It's not really private, just notes that I type up on Word. It's to help me understand myself (obviously), help myself, and practice writing. It has come out of me trying to figure out and practice my few passions. I fancy the letters, I like to read, I always have thoughts needing ink transfer...

I think I'll post from those notes whatever I find important, such as: I’m always writing in my head or wanting to write. But my writing goes nowhere because it’s just vague essaying. It bothers me to be clear and concrete, to explain what’s actually going on by way of specific facts. I rather just analyze those facts with respect to how I feel and share related examples and metaphors. As for narrating some story to illustrate those same ideas…that’s hopeless…I’m no good at storytelling and I cannot construct characters or plot.

I'm also afraid to voice concrete opinions on real life things because I don't want to my liable for my views...

I'm not bargain bin material, and that's sad. I'm not sad, but the text seems that way since my intonation and speech patterns cannot massage a different air to the phrase. A bargain bin personality is worth something because it is often wanted or perused by many. It has the privilege of gratifying someone's impulse. Who cares if it could be shitty once you take it home and remove the packaging? When you first lay eyes on it, you just look at the price and the possibility that you could be getting something great for a steal. That's a pretty good feeling in of itself. Who doesn't love a sale? Who can't resist a cheap deal?

I'm left alone. It's not like I'm trying to hide behind an item all the time or was misplaced at the wrong aisle completely. I'll make an effort, I'll talk to you, honor you with a reason to laugh, and I won't ignore you the next day or some random occasion in the future.

It's true I disengage from people, but then it's that time of the month where I'm going through my socialstruation period - where I just disengage easily and completely from everything/one.

I finished my rem cycle, woke up, and as a result of a non-related day dream soon after, I decided to air out my thoughts in terms of that long stretch of aisle of Consumpton that Fry's Electronics has around its check-out line. Most of you are lucky, you're bargain bin dvds...sometimes you're a Kino copy of Nosferatu and sometimes you'll be some Airbud sequel. I think I'm a misplaced, returned copy of McAffee virus suite.

These need to be fleshed out:

-exactly who's dreams are we following here? Are we doing what we're told, what's suggested to us, a combination, or are we trailblazers?
-I met an alternate-future me, and he made me sick.
-Let's talk about Randy Pausch.
-Mentors.

Don't let me forget.

Life would be easier if I thought there was Deity slowly revealing answers to me, if I thought I was being led to some grand realization the way cartoon rabbits are led to traps by paths of carrots.

The last several weeks have been a microcosm of the last several years. Details at ten.

Oh man, even I can't properly pull off a post-rehab era Metallica lyric without wanting to apologize. It's been brought to my attention that I may be a very angry person. The thing is, it's the passions that drive us, that feed us reasons to open our mouths, and those passions are what people what are going to remember about you. How many times are you going to remember my contentment, the polite sympas? What's beautiful about an angry person learning to control that aspect of them and simultaneously finding "la joie de vivre" is that you get a generally content, crazy person. Think of it as an exercise in dispassionate, removed passion, my friend(s).


I'm thinking of a good house warming present for le boy, and I think he could use Timothy over here:


Timothy the Supervisor has taken control of his surroundings. He is checking to make sure all is as it is supposed to be. Nature is growing everything around this Gnome and he approves with its progress.


Back from our unscheduled break in thought - so what I mean is that I'm not really this angry person when I'm expressing such traits, it's more like the hosing-kids-off-your-lawn sorta irritation that I express. And even that doesn't last too long, unless you choose to get back on my lawn. Speaking of the term "hosing" it's one of my euphemisms of the moment...not meant in the way above, more like "dude I totally loved hosing your mom last night."

Labels: Gnomes, Hosing

Do you feel nostalgic about constipation? That's how I feel about unrequited nostalgia - the kind that's forced down your waste disposal of a throat. The kind where you're the hapless Scrooge being dragged to commercial holiday of regret past, and then someone yanks your ethereal self from the astral plane of leave-me-the-hell-alone. I'm peppy all right, my pep is as good as the McD's wookie, Grimace. Fuck me, fuck you, fucking please leave me alone.


Here's some fresh nostalgia, it comes with its un-kosher references to Oakleys and Timbaland:

Muxtape.com allows you to mix or mux your own mixtape together and share it with people on the website and post a link to it on other websites as well. You are allowed to update up to 12 songs, no more than 10 mb each. It's very easy to sign up, it just requires an e-mail, username, and password. Various muxtapes are posted randomly, but you can favorite the ones you like and see who added yours.

It's pretty interesting what you could do with it...it's easier than sharing music on a file hosting site, and you could change your muxtape with new stuff each week, etc. Also, I can imagine people posting mini-podcasts that way as well.

Here's what I did, my sexy death mixtape has songs that you can cum to in my honor after I'm deceased. Yeah. I said it. I was thinking out loud to those around me that hopefully, many decades from now, I'll have "my estate" send out two compilations to anyone who's still alive and that I was friends with at some point in time. One will be of songs I liked and the other will be of songs that I think you should have sex to (either with yourself or partner(s)). The order is a bit random, and I have years to edit this thing.


Enjoy yourself (and the playlist)

• Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Date With the Night
• Ladytron - Seventeen
• Broken Social Scene - Hotel
• The Presets - Girl And The Sea
• The Knife - Silent Shout
• Har Mar Superstar - Cut Me Up (Feat. Karen O)
• Death from Above 1979 - Sexy Results (MSTRKRFT Edition)
• Crystal Castles - Alice Practice
• Goldfrapp - Strict Machine (We Are Glitter Mix)
• Portishead - Silence
• CSS - Let's Make Love And Listen To Death From Above
• Buzzcocks - Orgasm Addict
  
  

Labels: death, mixtapes, muxtape.com, sex

Jon always had it going on, it's Garfield that fucked up the strip. It's what led to that movie whose trailers haunt me. Now if it were just Jon, we'd have another Fight Club or the Machinist.

The premise behind Garfield - Garfield:

Now that beats a Bright Eyes song any day. Even Jim Davis likes it.

6 months from being 23. I don't think one ever really feels as if they are an adult. It's a myth, adulthood isn't truly a state of being. It's a state of responsibility, fear, and business casual. If this is true, then I am relieved. I'm relieved to know that we, as adults are pretty clueless and play at being this role.

• The best things about adulthood: memories, nesting, wisdom.
• The worst: interest, insurance, isolation
• The toughest: discipline, self-sacrifice, aging

Nothing new to see here, it's just me trying to make sense of things that will overcome me. It's not so bad, I won't try to shirk my duties. I just need to understand adulthood so I can make it my own thing.

I am a theist in a very quiet way. I find peace in my theism and I like to keep it all to myself. Notwithstanding the obvious necessity and merits of secularism, one of the reasons that I'm for it is that I may confide in my faith without the noise and sweat weighing in on my spirituality. For me, faith is a spectacular concept even if it doesn't involve religion. It makes us uniquely human...to believe or trust in anything, to feel secure. It's not instinctual or rational for us to have faith in concepts or others, but we do it regardless. - Not bad if do say so myself

An aspect of my faith that I'm able to maintain is that it still allows me to value and respect other beliefs for the most part. After all, we're merely putting trust in unknowable concepts regardless of how strong we feel about them. It's ridiculous for anyone of us to think that we have the truth or that we are right...it undermines your faith, your ability to trust, to hope. There is so much to be gained through the experiences and views of others...For instance, I find atheism to be beneficial because it allows me to question certain aspects of my beliefs, to ask whether it is beneficial, and to understand. At times, stricter faiths have underscored the importance of self-discipline and moderation with the material. You are trying to rationalize your beliefs in order to avoid the stigma and controversy that comes with religion

Ideally, it shouldn't matter if your belief system was delivered by divine beings or if it's a social construct, because the core philosophy and its effects are what we should focus on. Theism is just that to a great extent...a body of philosophy, and it's meant to bring order to society and the individual. As for the problems associated with theism, that's inherent in any belief system, theistic or not. There's been just as much pain caused in the name of religion as there has been without it. Fear and anger are traits too sticky to leave us.

Now this is where I'm getting to my point. I think that I'm somewhat reasonable and responsible with my theism. When I do talk about religion or even non-religious philosophies, it's usually in general terms from a sociological or academic perspective. With that said, it's so fucking annoying when someone else wants to debate it or demean any set of beliefs. How can you consider yourself a tolerant, or even liberal person when you cannot even respect what other people hold dear. I'm not asking you to respect tenets of whatever belief system...but why insult them like it's open season. Getting to my point, aka now begins the rant once you were was able to establish that you're a religious-nut.

A friend of mine just had this problem, where she was telling a friend how she's interested in exploring certain places because she believes that they hold certain energies. The other person could've easily changed the topic or engaged in a discussion in an attempt to understand my friend, however, politeness was disregarded and the other person chose to debate and in effect belittle this belief in energies. Seriously, who the fuck cares. If a person chooses to believe in something that doesn't hurt anyone, it isn't unhealthy, and the other person isn't proselytizing to you, then why be so antagonistic? It's not compassionate. Present an example of a third party with a similar problem, it establishes the reasonableness in your need to vent perhaps.

A similar thing happened to me today. A friend of mine who somewhat shares the same ethnic group as me but who knows very little about the ethnic group was a dumb bitch today. I was explaining why a certain religious sect from the country of our heritage was "persecuted" (its hard to call one specific group persecuted when it involves a developing nation where nearly every person is persecuted and oppressed for one reason or another). I had given an analogy (that it is viewed in the way that mormonism is by other christian denominations) to explain it the dynamic and why I was puzzled that they choose to consider themselves as a religious sect instead of a complete and now separate offshoot (like the bahai' faith). His response was pretty clear that he wasn't trying to understand my words. It was: "everyone adds their own spin on things but in the end they all kill people...its all made up anyway so he can call himself whatever he wants." Author said a buncha nouns, strings of bunched-up words.

Seriously weirdo. What the fuck. How can a person try to stand up for someone else's right to believe in something if you can't even respect them for having their beliefs. It's an empty effort, and it hurts the cause. I know that my friend is usually pretty tactless, but does he realize how awful he sounds? How can you endeavor to engage people with humanitarian work when you set such a poor example by undermining the very people you want to help. Raising awareness to the plight of Hispanic immigrants in this country, but then writing off their devout Catholic beliefs is akin to being for same-sex marriage but still making horrible gay jokes and throwing around derogatory language. It's wrong, plain and simple. With his remarks, he ended up even disrespecting the third person whose faith we were discussing. At this point it's just him being passive-aggressive towards his own issues with theism and traditional views. Use of foul language, aggressive rhetorical statements, this entry had slipped from the calm build-up of foreplay to complete, hot release of tension.

Why did my friend flippantly make these remarks? Was his point really so insightful and necessary? Just because I hold my faith privately and choose not to bother people by airing it out...doesn't mean that my beliefs are ok to be trampled on. It's already so difficult to be a moderate theist...I always feel bad enough by zealots and have them to deal with. I am hard on myself to question myself when some tenet of my faith is intolerant towards others. Likewise, I deserve respect as well. Tolerance is nothing without acceptance and respect. Finally for the honest, underlying point and emotions - and end scene.

Author's comments: Dear Editor, thank you for appearing crazy by editing your own entry. I understand that it's fun to knock yourself down a peg when most deserving. It's more fun if you can do it by scaring other people who may come across such a thing. Oh and thank you for using a less threatening color instead of red to mark your comments.

Ce sont superbonnes!

Oh man I've been in love with these cocky, French, flavorful backstreet boys since I picked up a Kitsune single of Homecoming at Groove records. Anyway, this video turns me on over and over again, damn those cute bastards - this is too much.

Listen here:

Labels: homecoming, hotness, Kitsune, Love no, music video, The Teenagers

I try to balance and clarify my life by compartmentalizing very well. It's as if I compartmentalize those who I know into separate colonies belonging to the same ant farm. When I notice certain denizens stirring things up - breaking code, I like to give my ant farm a nice, big shake or two. It's a good way for all the crap to drown into the sand and disappear.

When I was young I didn't believe in a black and white world. Now I know that there's just grey and evil.

Labels: New Order, Temptation

"How was your trip?"

My friends are all well-meaning when they ask this question, but I admit, it's hard not to sound like an asshole when I answer:

"It was perfect."
"I feel completely validated."
"I know that I'm on the right track."
"I'm in love."
"Bugger off."
"I have seen the promised land, and it is Seattle."

The fact is that I have returned focused- I know what I want, and what I have to do to obtain it. What I want is to return, to continue the life we shared for 10 days. So I evade straight answers about the trip, commenting on the existence of legitimate autumns, and uttering sly murmurs about having not seen much of the city to avoid the pain of returning to the wasteland.

During my trip, I had some time to think about how we determine what people we miss when we move on to a new place. It's the people we think about that are our friends. I don't mean "think about" as in "I know this person who...", but rather, "I wonder what ____ would think about this place/situation/etc?"

And having reached this conclusion, I determined the eventual move will be a lot easier than I had originally imagined.

When someone this beautiful and sexy walks into your life, you'd be remiss not to spend the rest of your moments with them.

I am so alone. I am doomed to be my own home. My issues aren't that I live in Darfur, lost my home to a hurricane, or am stricken with a disease. I am myself and I have to cope with that. Its that sickening feeling that the only ghost that'll ever haunt me is my own. The closest I'll ever get to reciprocal support is the one that I get from my underwire.

This is what I get from loved ones: "you're incredibly strong, and I know that you can continue."

What does this even mean? Because I'm strong apparently no one thinks that their jokes get to me, or that my good nature wears thin. Continue what? A lousy existence with the likes of people who dump their problems onto me day after day without concern. That maybe I might be dealing with similar stress and just need support as well? Even if they cannot give me similar consideration, how about a nice fat break from their dependency?

For once I'd like someone to realize that I'm not strong, emotionless, or deaf...just give me a break (imagine Stossel saying it). Telling someone you're strong is not a compliment, it's an excuse for not offering them help.

Sometimes I wish somebody else had the plans, understood the future, offered me good advice, told me what to do, and was just there for me to look up to. I wish I could be re-assured by those who are trustworthy and wise.

When I'm drowning please don't make it happen faster.

I do not blame anyone for my issues, I just ask that you do not contribute to them.

I'm already trudging along, alone, unwillingly, and you're all just making it easier for me to quit.

I want out
I want to drop
drop out
drop off.

Track: Mer du Japon - Air

Labels: Air, lonely shadow, Mer du Japon, Stossel

T-minus 8 days until I'm on a plane and finally on a well-deserved vacation. But before then:

• Meet with my letter writers.
• Meet with SU reps, and gain some pointers on my-
• personal statement.
• Create my stop motion for TOYBOX.
• Picture lock? Temp tracks?
• Get rough copies to my composers, and hope to hell they get what I want.

Roughly three weeks ago, in what would prove to be my last break from studying for the LSAT, I drew a flipbook, something I hadn't done since studying Greek mythology in junior high.

In my short Post-It note story, which I named "Jimmy's Bad Day," we follow the adventures of Jimmy, the hideously rendered stick figure. He stands aloof on the yellow plane, awkwardly positioned page right. A small sphere approaches, roughly head level, from the left, and after a few frames of nerve-snapping suspense, the sphere knocks Jimmy's head off. There sphere travels off frame to the right, though Jimmy's head (how's this for internal logic) bounces off the right edge, and begins to roll on the ground.

Jimmy chases it across the page, locates it, and securely fastens it onto his disproportionally long neck. Then another man, equally poorly drawn, enters frame right, and leaps at Jimmy. Mid-air, this man extends his leg, Street Fighter-style, and kicks Jimmy over.

The man then begins to sodomize poor Jimmy.

I'm not quite sure if that was well communicated from my hasty scribbles, but that was my intention. There Jimmy is, getting butt-raped by what could have been Chun-Li (were Chun-Li a guy-or wearing a strap-on.)

As Jimmy's precious ass meats are being ruined by a figure of sinister intent, a large rectangle falls from the sky, squishing both our protagonist and the vicious analrapist.

The last frames of the piece are dedicated to watching the vital lifeblood drain from the characters underneath the Rectangle of Doom. It should also be noted that more frames were drawn to show this particular occurrence than any other plot point in the flipbook.

This is what happens while preparing for law school. I can't wait to see what happens next.

Labels: Law School, LSAT, sodomy

Cut down, thrown down, nearly depleted. I'm in the afterbirth; idealism was my placenta. I'd trade in this overcast, tepid reality any day with the passion of teenage angst - like a fanny pack-wearing senior citizen in a humid Florida flea market on the lookout for a butter cream afghan.

I am blessed to have my loved ones and my situation in life. I am not ungrateful. I was just foolish to put so much stock into the future - that magical carpet bag where you can conjure up anything shiny and new, and put away anything troubling. But once you work your way towards the bottom all you find are bits of lint and nicorette gum wrappers.

That's what the future is like...its one big fucking lie that you tell yourself. You quit your worries, turn away from the anxieties, and escape the present.

I'm just a short-term goal oriented person, because its easier to fool yourself into thinking that you have a plan that way. Its easier to believe that you're accomplishing something, that you're getting somewhere.

I've reached adulthood without ever becoming the adult part. Now what?


A token for your trifles: Destroy Everything You Touch - Ladytron (Hot Chip Remix)
Such an amazing song that's already been reworked by a few others. I didn't think the sound could get any better...

Labels: Hot Chip, Ladytron, Remix